because life's beautiful.: #12. just being there

Today’s the last day. Spent the morning doing some random stuffs on our checklist and watched open season with the kids. Hendrikcrus found lizard eggs and showed to us, but sarah and i accidentally dropped it on the floor and i was totally disgusting! Like the baby lizard inside the egg. Ugghh. We could even see its eyes! Andden erni accidentally stepped on it while i went back to get some tissue to clean the mess, and i had to go back again to get some sanitizer and water for her. Erni’s such a strong girl!

Akhimi passed me his letter! :D and erni’s writing hers now and i’m super looking forward to it. Played the guitar a bit and had a mini kbox.

Afternoon was mostly spent on reading the book i borrowed from debo, having some emo time of my own, and then taking a rather brief afternoon nap. Shifted back to the room, but i just lied there blankly and so i decided to head out to accompany the kids instead. So i ended up playing with akhimi and masa. The other young kids soon joined, so i took my markers and paper along and they ended up drawing stuffs for me :) super adorable! Erni passed me her card! Loved the things erni drew! She drew things that came from my notebook, like the airfoil i took down as notes for aerodynamics last sem, and the words love and some trees. Then she copied the whole calendar of june down, and circled 21^st (which was yesterday) because that is her birthday. Heh :D but i’m really sad that the home didn’t celebrate for her last night during the campfire! I’m really disappointed. And they made timothy’s birthday celebration so grand tonight with a huge cake and birthday songs. How irritating and biased. Sigh.

The other kids also labelled their birthdays on my book, and cos of that i think everytime i flip my book i’ll probably feel a tinge of sadness, and on the days that hit their birthdays would probably be worse. Sigh. But the sweethearts wrote super nice song lyrics on my book :D mei, Charles, and erni! I must try my best to remember those songs! I had to rush loads of letters for the rest of the kids :X after playing with them i brought my stuffs to the football field and not only did i not get to watch the match properly, i was bugged by other kids for letters and got stung by like a thousand mosquitoes. How worth it -___- i think i would have been better off back in the room. But time spent with erni and the rest was precious enough.

After the match was more rushing of cards and then it was time for dinner. Dinner was fabulous probably due to the fact that it was our last meal. We had keropok and some spring roll lookalike and some mini ikan bilis and i can’t remember what. But it was good enough, really. After dinner we simply played with the kids then went into the canteen for finale concert. :) we sang when you say nothing at all and guan huai fang shi! :D not bad haha. After all the performances and thank you speeches, we stood in a line and shook their hands one by one.

Erni was tearing, and my heart was tearing apart. Out of all the kids, i’ll definitely miss erni the most. She’s the one who i felt loved me unconditionally, and she had a heart as pure as white. Somehow i’m her favourite, maybe because she had fun imitating my actions that day after we went to the beach. Maybe because she could sense that i loved her just as much as well. (: i really believe erni will grow up to become one of the most gorgeous girls ever. Hope i’ll be there to see her grow really. I really want to come back.

As soon we were allowed to go back to our seats, i quickly proceeded to erni’s side cos i refused to let her cry. I told her to smile because she’s prettier that way, and in the end she really did. I can still remember the erni who hugged me so tightly because i passed her a letter. Her happiness came from right the bottom of her heart. And now this sadness that covered her seemed so evil.

At least erni’s okay now. I hope she’ll wave goodbye to me tomorrow with a smile, just like how i wish to.

The rest of the night was spent mostly singing songs with the older guys. They were playing the guitar and singing together, and we returned the favour by singing songs back. There was the sound of the heavy rain in the background, and given our rather depressed moods, the sound of the guitar and the voices somehow soothed me.

We continued on till it was 1.30am. As the night passed i didn’t really feel sad after all. Rather than feeling sad that we’re leaving, i’d rather feel glad that i can say that i was once here with these really awesome kids. I just hope that i’ve made an impact, especially in little erni’s one. And i hope i was of a positive influence. Maybe i’m emotionless or heartless to not even have tears welling up, but yet at the same time i am exceptionally ashamed by the fact i cried in the room that afternoon for a really stupid thing rather than for this that was supposed to mean much more to me. That seriously sucks.

Time to sleep. Tomorrow won’t be a happy day and so i need a little mental preparation. Saying goodbye can be hardest thing to do really.