its been just hours but i can't help to think about her again. her demise was so sudden, so unexpected, and even though i had some sort of mental preparation due to her old age, i can't take it as easily as i thought i would.
i'm just glad she was at my house at the very last lap of her life, living the very last two weeks. as i walked around my house i could still sense her presence somehow, as if she was still walking around relying on her sense of touch, or as my father described her jokingly, "like a robot". as she walked around like that, i would be afraid that she would trip due to the step at the balcony. i remembered less than a week ago i positioned two chairs before the balcony to make sure her sense of touch leads her away from it.
i sat on the spot of the sofa she always sat, trying to see what she has seen the past few days, trying to find out how she felt as she sat there. there was no warmth, no more signs. even the pillow she used to nap on or else cover herself from the light coming from the balcony cruely disposes of any signs of her. i remembered last week when she sat there so calmly with her eyes closed, i was afraid that she actually passed on in her sleep, but was relieved when i still saw signs of her breathing.
i tried to remember her coarse voice, her arms which was warm and soft, and her hands which were weak but smooth. i often heard her voice, because she would often ask for her keys, and i often held her arms and hands, because when she walked too far out i would hold them, both her right and left ones with my body facing her all the time, to lead her back to the same spot.
i am afraid i would forget that voice, that feeling. and i don't want to. suddenly i wished i had recorded down her words that she would repeat over and over again. and tried to remember the teochew children poems/rhymes that she would attempt to recite to me even though i was already 20 (in her mind i'm always about 6yrs old). i can still remember one, but only vaguely.
i don't want to forget. please don't let me forget.
+ guaishou's
2 comments:
you won't forget.
nothing beats family relationships. even if there's the language barrier, even if there's a generation gap. the love is always there. it never dies.
she'll always be remembered.
BIG HUG LES (:
stay strong.
because you are.
really sorry to hear about your grandma..
stay strong, ok? *hugs*
Post a Comment